Coaching To Help Mental Wellbeing #3

Address Your Procrastination

it can steal your life away

This is the third in a series of blogs about positive mental health.

The first blog - Knowing Who You Truly Are - outlined how coaching can help your mental wellbeing, with a positive space to explore who you truly are.

The second blog - Avoiding The Perfectionism Trap - showed it’s not linked to high performance, gave possible causes; and shared ways to address your perfectionism - including how to bypass it completely!

This blog outlines procrastinations’ negative impacts, defines what it is and why we do it, outlines surprising and helpful theories, destroys the ‘procrastinator’ label, gives a story of overcoming procrastination, and shows how you can address procrastination.   

Delaying writing this blog!

I meant to write this blog three weeks ago! Yes, I know that might sound ironic, but it’s true! The question is, was I procrastinating? Or was there another reason that I didn’t write it before now? Well there was another reason. I was completing two courses this autumn which finished last week. So I decided that that was fine to write it later. But if this is just an excuse and I was procrastinating, could anyone else make that judgement, other than myself?

It’s no joke! Procrastination is serious!

Procrastination is a common experience. Research* shows one in five of us procrastinates consistently and nine in ten sometimes, across many cultures. So the chances are you’ll know someone who procrastinates. It could even be you! Do you tend to ‘kick the can down the road’? 

If you look online, there’s no end of information and self-help advice about it. Some is more helpful than others. There are social media groups which try to offer support and advice. And other groups celebrate their own procrastination, which have amusing posts such as…

“The group meeting for procrastinators has been postponed to next month. But just pencil it in for now – it might well change!”

Or “Procrastination is a really good thing. You have nothing to do today. Plus you know what you’re going to do tomorrow!”

That’s funny of course. And because procrastination’s quite common, we tend to make light of it. But if you’ve been affected by it, you’ll know how it can wreak havoc across every area of your life and can feel really upsetting and frustrating. It can impact on your studying, and on your professional and personal life. One recent study* has also shown that procrastination is linked with unhealthy lifestyles, higher stress, poor physical and mental health, and putting off addressing health problems.

Others can react with irritation and upset when you procrastinate. Particularly when not completing a task that affects them. “Just get on with it!” they shout. Oh, if it were only that simple! The conflict that’s created with others can sometimes make you do it. But not always. And even if you do complete that one thing, you often lapse back into the regular pattern of procrastinating.

Does any of that sound familiar?  

There’s no such thing as ‘a procrastinator’!

So, at this point I’m going to make a bold statement. It may shock some of you reading this. But I would say that there is no such thing as ‘a procrastinator’! “No, I hear you cry! I’m doing it right now! See - I’ve just put off doing something really important, just to read this blog!” You make a good point! But don’t stop now! Finish reading this to the end, and I promise you’ll get some helpful tips.

I’d suggest that ‘a procrastinator’ is just a label that we put on ourselves. When we do this, we make a statement ‘this is who I am’ and we live up to it. Almost no-one puts off everything, all the time. This means that when we procrastinate, we put off some of the things, some of the time. Then we feel bad about ourselves and those feelings reinforce our own label, and it becomes a vicious cycle. It’s like putting ourselves in a box that we’re then trapped by.   

Procrastination is ‘the act or habit of putting off or delaying a task, especially something requiring immediate attention.’ It’s a pattern of behaviour that you can get yourself very locked into. But patterns of behaviour can be changed. You’re not as stuck in this as you might think you are.

Common reasons why we procrastinate

From my life coaching work there seems to be a number of main ways that we’re affected by procrastination. I’m sure it’s not a definitive list but it’s what’s come up for some of the people I’ve supported…

First, procrastination can often be closely linked to perfectionism* in several ways. We might wait for that ‘perfect’ time to act. Either inside us or the circumstances around us and that perfect time never quite arrives. [This is covered in next week’s blog - ‘Prioritising and Planning’]

Second, we don’t want to do something but aren’t admitting it to ourselves. And this means we avoid telling others about this decision, and this may not be what they want to hear!

Third, we can put off doing things when we’re learning a new skill or doing something we’re not yet confident with. So we may simply need support to build our confidence and skill.  

Fourth, some people claim that procrastination only comes from putting off the things you don’t like. ‘Stop doing those things’ they say, ‘just do the things you like!’ In my experience, there is some truth in this. Procrastination can be a powerful block, showing that you really don’t like something about a project, a workplace or even a career! It's understandable that we can avoid something that is, or might be, unpleasant or painful.

But it’s not that simple. Many of us do tasks or jobs we love, but have essential aspects that we don’t like, such as public speaking, as a common example. We can be trained and supported to cope and perform better, making these aspects more bearable and even enjoyable. If this doesn’t work, or if it’s a big part of our role and remains only just bearable, maybe we need to consider whether we should try a different role or even a different career.

And importantly, I’ve found that people put off not only the things that they don’t like, but also the things that they love and they want to do! So what’s really going on?  

What does psychology tell us?

You’re not being lazy when you put things off. In fact, you probably care more than others about succeeding with your tasks.

Psychological theory can help us understand how our internal drives can set up our procrastination. And what the short-term pay-offs are that tie us in…

For some, procrastination is denial - For our self-worth, one of our top needs is to see ourselves as good at what we do – and be seen as good by others. But we can believe the myth that being good is only about our ability, and nothing about our effort. My dear late mother who was a piano teacher, would say even her most gifted pupils still needed to practice. So due to wrong-thinking that we don’t need to make any effort, some of us will put off doing something until the last minute. Or not preparing at all and just ‘winging-it!’

For others, procrastination is internal stuckness - We all have two opposing drives – the desire for success and the fear of failure. We can have genuine ambition and want to succeed in a task but have fear of failure at the same time. Driven people can be high in both drives and then fall into procrastination! Both drives cancel each other out and they’re left stuck. Like being in a car with your foot on the accelerator and the handbrake on. There’s lots of energy but the car’s going nowhere! Or like two evenly-matched tug of war teams, both making lots of effort but the rope’s not moving! That’s why procrastination can feel so frustrating.       

And there’s short-term pay-offs which keeps us doing it - Whether the reason is denial and avoidance or internal stuckness, procrastination gives you the perfect opt out (‘I’d have passed the test, if I’d done more work’). And it avoids properly measuring your own performance. Then, you’ve never really ‘failed’ as you’ve never fully tried. But you’ve never really succeeded to your full potential, either. It’s a form of stress relief too, as you avoid the immediate stress trigger and the related negative emotions, which go far beyond the reality of what it’s like when you eventually get down to the task. In your mind you’ve built it up out of all proportion. So although procrastination protects you from facing the immediate task, it comes at a huge emotional, mental and physical cost. It’s hugely upsetting and damaging to you and to others around you.

And getting angry with someone else about their procrastinating is often pointless and may make things worse as their fear levels are often already high. It can reinforce their negative emotions and they can feel like a rabbit in the headlights! Support and understanding can be more effective in helping them.   

Knowing all of this can help you to know how you might take steps to address it for yourself or others. Let’s look at how coaching helped someone change their procrastination behaviours in just two sessions.

"Oh, I do procrastinate!"

I worked with a client, who’d had nine coaching sessions spread over six months and he’d made great progress. Let’s call him Mike.

Mike started by working out his core values and applying them to his life. He’d then worked through how to best support a relative through ill health and rehousing. And then he’d also addressed his own health concerns and made a successful career change to something he really enjoyed.

During these sessions, as an aside, Mike said, “oh, I must tell you, I do procrastinate!” Despite his comment, Mike felt that overall he was coping with all these things.   

Mike and two other family members all had tasks to do to support this relative. But Mike tended to put his off and got ‘nagged by the others.’ He admitted that tasks didn’t take long, and was pleased when he’d completed them. But being ‘chased’ spoiled his sense of achievement and made him embarrassed. Mike decided now it was time to look at his procrastination.

He admitted that he didn’t feel confident with some important things and didn’t want to make a mistake. He realised it would be good to explain this, telling his family he worked at a different pace to them for good reasons and that this was okay.  

I asked Mike how he’d like things to be different. He realised he didn’t have an excuse of having limited time. He was encouraged to define what was actually involved with his two tasks, what he could manage, and how to keep good family communication. I invited him to imagine what it would be like to complete the tasks without being nagged. He said it would be wonderful, talking about the great feelings, and the positive impact on him and others. He was excited now! His desire and passion to succeed had increased - he was winning his internal ‘tug of war’!

Finally, Mike decided how he could be accountable to complete the tasks – what could help him stick to doing them and who might help him. I explained that starting a new pattern can be a commitment to just do a task for 10 minutes. It’s the starting that’s important. Then he’d probably find that he could carry on and complete it.

“Now I approach not avoid!”

Mike came back for the next session elated. He’d completed both tasks. But the change went far beyond this. He now felt able to break down other tasks into bite-sized chunks and tackle them too. He’d come up with a catchphrase, ‘approach not avoid’, almost like a mantra. He used to feel weighed down by long lists. But not now. He’d stopped making lists! Tasks were done quickly, felt more enjoyable and he felt more energized.

And it doesn’t stop there! He recognized his son also struggled with avoidance. Mike showed him how he was addressing this himself. He became more accepting of his son’s needs and took a more relaxed approach. So this relationship improved as well.

Mike went through a tremendous change ending his patterns of procrastination set over many years in just two sessions. Facing these difficult areas was tough but with support he coped well and grew through them. And he came out feeling good about himself and optimistic. He said what helped most was having a place where he was respected, and could be honest, exploring ideas and deciding on the best way forward. He could imagine what success looked like for him, and plan the route to reaching it. He did the work and made the decisions of what was best for him. I’m grateful that he agreed this could be shared, to show that it can be done.

You can make that change today

What parts of Mike’s story to you recognise?

Do you see patterns of denial and avoidance or stuckness that affect you?

Do you relate to the common reasons listed for procrastination?

If you do, you can take steps straight away to address it. You won’t change your procrastination tomorrow!

Take another look at the man in the picture. He’s not kicking the can down the road, to deal with it later! He’s dealing with it straight away!

You can’t change an ingrained habit, practiced over years, in a half-hearted way. You have to be clear, intentional and committed. Some people cringe at the word ‘discipline,’ but it simply means learning. Discipline is learning to do what works, and doing it again. And again. And again. It’s that commitment to yourself to do the right thing today, for your benefit tomorrow. It will change your life.  

If you have a habit of procrastination, it may be for different reasons or it may affect you in different ways from Mike. It’s about getting to know yourself and what’s really going on for you. But here are ideas below that you can try, which may help you to break through your own blocks and behaviours.

Ways to address your own procrastination

Could you benefit from changing your approach to tasks?

·    Be more honest with yourself and more direct with others

·    Be clearer about tasks, the steps involved, and your best way forward

·    Set new effective patterns and effort for yourself

Could you benefit from imagining a procrastination-free future?

·    Increase and harness your excitement and passion to succeed

Could you find your own accountability?

·    Put systems in place to stick to tasks and get others’ help

Just think what your life would be like if you addressed your own procrastination habits? Being more productive, more successful and enjoying your tasks. Being less stressed, more balanced, with better physical and mental health. Your relationships would improve, others would see you’re more reliable and dynamic. You’d be excited about the future. Or you could keep hitting the same blocks, and getting the same results, and letting procrastination steal your life away.

Tomorrow you’ll thank yourself for starting something important today.

Next steps

You can break free from your old patterns to experience quick, powerful, lasting change.

Why not take these simple steps?

• Join the online discussion to learn more and share. How has procrastination affected you or those you know? What has helped?

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• Have a free initial discussion with us about coaching – book here

• Find out how life coaching can help you - Take these two free simple self-assessments here

And don’t delay!

Book a session at half price. Contact us here

Offer ends 31st January 2024. Sessions can be taken during December 2023 or anytime in 2024 

Watch out for next week’s blog

‘Prioritising and Planning’

(or ‘Oh no, is that deadline today?’)

Coaching To Help Mental Wellbeing #4

the last in the positive mental health series 

 

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