Reaching Out – Addressing Bullying Positively

Anti-bullying week - 14 - 18 November

Bullying is a complex issue, and this is not an exhaustive exploration of the topic. Instead, it’s a snapshot of the experiences of those being bullied and those lapsing into bullying behaviours.

This year’s theme is to ‘Reach Out’. It’s important both for those bullied and for those bullying, that this is addressed for everyone’s benefit.

People ask me what life coaching is. There are a variety of answers as it’s adaptable to suit each person. It can be different things to different people! But the broadest answer is…

Life coaching gives you the space to explore who you really are, stepping away from your own limitations and the judgements from others. A life coach is your biggest champion, encouraging you to take steps to change things in your life. (for more detail, see What is Life Coaching?)

Bullying is the complete opposite to this space of acceptance. When bullied, we can feel ‘under threat’ from judgements and criticisms from the other person. Sadly, many of us have either had experience of bullying ourselves or know someone who has.

The experience of being bullied

Bullying has been defined as behaving in a way that is offensive, intimidating, malicious or insulting. It can happen in private, in front of others, through rumour, or online. Bullying behaviours towards someone can include:

·      Ignoring them or their views;

·      Humiliating, ridiculing, or insulting them;

·      Deliberately undermining or constantly criticizing.

·      Withholding information from them;

·      Setting unreasonable workloads or deadlines;

·      Blocking promotion or training.

It is not uncommon for people who have been bullied to take some time to realise what is happening. They can be in denial, feeling embarrassed or ashamed, and can even blame themselves for what happened. They can start to wonder if the bully might be right, even when they know that they aren’t.

Sometimes, there appears to be little reason why someone has been bullied. There may not have been much that they have done to provoke their criticism or personal attack. The person bullying can sometimes just project their own insecurities.

There can be an assumption that the bullying behaviour is intentional. This may be the case but it’s not always clear. But crucially, whether the behaviour is intentional or not is irrelevant. The key is that the person being bullied sees the comments or actions as unwarranted and unwelcome.

The experience of bullying others

Bullying is a behaviour – not a person. It is important not to label someone as ‘a bully’ as it assumes that this is their only behaviour. Sometimes we can be passionate and assertive in arguing for what we think is right. But this can tip over into making someone feel pressurised and intimidated. It can be easy to overstep the mark in the heat of the moment.

There are a variety of reasons or triggers for bullying behaviour, including…

·      Growing up in a home or school where this behaviour is common

·      Having simply developed this as a pattern of behaviour

·      Having a ‘short-temper’

·      Having emotional difficulties

·      Having severe work pressures being under stress

·      Consciously deciding to target someone.

At times, it can be difficult to know whether the behaviour was intentional or unintentional. However, some colleagues I’ve worked with in the past were known to ‘have a temper’ and admitted to me that they’d consciously used this against people to get what they want. They’d ‘press the angry button’ and continue to attack someone until they got their way. But this is bullying behaviour on some level. It assumes that it’s okay to attack people like this on a regular basis. It's not!  

Abusive behaviour damages both people and also their relationship. It affects the quality of the relationship – people don’t tend to be honest and open with those who just ‘fly off the handle’. It assumes that the person behaving like this is right, that they haven’t made a mistake or misunderstood. Even if someone is in the wrong, abusing them isn’t right or addresses the problem.

I would suggest that people accused of bullying others tend to fall into three main groups…

1.    Behaving out of character - those who are under pressure and act as a one-off

2.    Pattern of behaviour – those who regularly behave like this to get their way

3.    Targeting others – those who regularly behave like this but particularly with certain types of people

Maintaining good professional standards is important. But we need to accept that people can make mistakes. People deserve a chance to put things right. Or we may be wrong and have misunderstood them!

Of course, there are some people who are predatory, deliberately targeting vulnerable people. This should be addressed, and these people stopped at the earliest opportunity.  

Organisations and work cultures

Bullying can take place within any organisation if preventative steps aren’t taken. When issues of bullying are raised, they can be ignored. Or the person can be blamed for ‘causing’ or ‘inviting’ the bullying. Or they can simply be expected to ‘shut up and get on with the work’. This is unacceptable and shows a lack of support and care for employees. It can lead to poor physical and mental health, increased sickness, poor morale and eventually the person leaving.

In a toxic culture like this where bullying is rife, groups of people can pick on someone. This goes beyond bullying to victimisation. This can be even more damaging to the person, particularly when it’s a coordinated campaign against them. 

And if a colleague or a team is behaving in an intimidating or offensive way that is targeted at your characteristics (e.g., like gender, age, or sexuality), it could be harassment, which is illegal under the Equality Act 2010.

Organisations that are more open will often have bullying and harassment policies, as well as support to address these problems. Employees can have trade union reps and anti-bullying advisors to help them to raise a problem. Usually this happens informally with a facilitated meeting between the two parties but can be taken forward with a formal investigation.  

Getting support for bullying

Clients that I’ve coached, have shared concerns about being bullied or accused of bullying behaviour. It’s helped them to have an open honest space where they’re accepted and not judged and supported to make positive changes.  

For clients who feel that they have been or are currently being bullied, they sometimes share this after several sessions. As they work on their identity or focus on a career change, they get a clearer picture of who they are and where they are going. They start to like and value themselves more. This can then be in a sharp contrast with a bullying or abusive situation at work or at home. And they can start to feel that they don’t deserve to be treated like this anymore. They may have tolerated this for some time and so it may take for them mentally and emotionally to admit to themselves how destructive it is. But once they are clear, they decide to do something about it.

Several clients have addressed bullying work situations or left for a better workplace. And several clients have left abusive relationships where they had been miserable for years. In both contexts, as a coach, I had to keep good boundaries and make sure that clients made the choices they wanted and had a plan to get the support they needed, making sure that they were safe.

One person who I was supporting with workplace bullying, had a real breakthrough moment. Someone had suggested to them that “it’s important to address this, so that it doesn’t happen to someone else.” But they realised that, “even if I’m in a minority of one, and no-one else will be affected, it’s still unacceptable.” They realised that they mattered, and they wanted to address it. And with trade union and anti-bullying support they were able to.

Interestingly, clients who are Christian and from other faiths can be confused in their ideas about how they should respond to bullying. However, all the major faiths call us to stand up to and resist injustice and not be reduced to retaliation. 

For clients accused of bullying others, it is those who have behaved out of character who have most easily shared what happened and needed no encouragement to take responsibility. They are often mortified and keen to apologise to the person and put things right. Those who have started to recognise a pattern of bullying behaviour in themselves (often from someone pointing it out) needed to discuss what support they needed to put things right.  

During my career I have been on both sides myself. I have been on the end of bullying and have had to address this. But on one occasion someone had to point out that my own behaviour was questionable. An email I’d sent was well-intended but was a little too forceful and strident and I’d offended them. I acknowledged my mistake and apologised. Both situations were rescued with the right approach and by listening.

Four Top Tips for Addressing Bullying Positively

1.     Stay respectful and positive

It is easy to get drawn into ‘a fight’ and react emotionally when you feel provoked. But remain respectful to them and stay positive...

·      Keep to the facts.

·      Address the behaviour – not the person.

2.   Check out the situation

Here is a simple two stage process that often helps to check out the situation with someone when you are unsure about them…

·      “When you did (A) I felt intimated / upset”

·      “Is that what you intended?”

Someone may not have intended to intimidate or offend. So, it’s worth taking time to check this out.   

3.   Your feelings are important

If someone’s comments or actions as unwarranted and unwelcome you have a right to raise them. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not.

4.   Reach Out – get support

Many organisations have positive policies and support for people around bullying. Take advantage of this practical and emotional support.   

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